Attack of the Giant Condom-Bearing Vampire

Got your attention? Here’s another story from my past. Ever heard of the six-lettered C-disease? That which shall not be mentioned? Few people know I had thyroid cancer just over five years ago. To discover this, there was quite a process. Here’s a story from that time… Don’t worry. It’s not depressing.

* * *

It was kind of scary, getting the biopsy done on my thyroid. I knew it was going to hurt, and I hate anyone touching my neck. The ultrasound tech was nice and she didn’t choke me by pressing too hard while she did the ultrasound scan. Then the doctor came in. Hot hot hot. I think he was Russian, too. Little bit of an accent. Perfect English. We talked for a while, and he explained the procedure. To ease my mind he told me only the shot to numb my neck would hurt.

He smiled, a nice benign smile. And then it happened…

They have these sterile trays that I guess come from the sterile tray factory. They’re sealed shut like a frozen meal that you have to rip open. Inside is all of what a doctor needs to do the biopsy.

So, he rips this tray open and there it was. Laying on top of a pile of gauze is this giant condom. I swear, it was an inch and a half across, and I’m like “WHOA!!! Wait a minute, I didn’t sign on for this!! My thyroid is in my neck buddy!”

Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face. Perhaps because of my smirk, perhaps because he didn’t want to offend me, he picked up this condom and turned away from me. Which made the whole thing funnier. He held the thing at about waist level and unrolled it. By God!! It didn’t just look like a condom, it was a condom.

The ever helpful technician rushed over with her tube of gel – KY??? – and squirts it inside the latex. I just watched the whole thing in horror. My gosh! These people were sick! No really, I guess it was me being perverse. As it turned out, the enormous condom was for the ultrasound scanner they were going to use on my neck, and it was to keep everything sterile. Oh! the disappointment!

So then they did the procedure… Did you know that one of the nerves that goes to the ear is in the neck. No, me neither. I do now. OWWW!!! Other than that it’s not so bad. They had to take eight biopsies, from two different locations. And then the doctor, who at this point I’m thinking isn’t quite so hot, tells me the thyroid is very vascular so I could bleed a lot from the biopsy site and get a big bruise. I’m thinking “Oh great. I’m gonna walk around looking like I’ve got a gigantic hicky on my neck. Fabulous. Just fabulous.” Then he says “If you start bleeding, just apply pressure until it stops.”

“What?” I think. “Am I going to be sitting at my desk and start spurting blood? ‘Oh I’m sorry. Did I get blood on your memo?’ ‘I’m terribly sorry. Would you like hemoglobin with that?’ ”

And then he sent me on my way.

It was REALLY bright outside, and I fought the urge to hiss and hide as I groped for my sunglasses. I managed to get to my car without incident, and then, I learned the truth. I saw two marks about an inch apart on my neck.

Oh no!!! That wasn’t a doctor!! It was a giant condom bearing vampire!

* * *

Man, has my writing changed since then, lol. I share that story for two reasons. It’s from a very important time in my life. Scary. Uncertain. And I never want to forget it. Because I’m so thankful to have gotten past it. I’m thankful that the PA I saw six months before I had surgery to completely remove my thyroid said “Hey, this feels a little enlarged. I think we should check it out.” And mostly, I’m thankful that five years later, I remain cancer-free. I know too many people for whom that’s not true. And as we enter 2008, I look forward to another year of success and another year of love, and another year free from the C word.
I wish all of you much health and success in 2008.

10 thoughts on “Attack of the Giant Condom-Bearing Vampire

  1. Congratulations on passing the 5 year mark. I’m very happy you’re here. Thanks for sharing your experience and making something so scary humorous. I have a friend who just passed 6 years after having her thyroid removed and I’m going to make sure she reads it.

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  2. I’m so glad it’s worked out well for you. And thank you for sharing that it was great. But most of all thank you for James Marsters sans clothing. I do love me some Spike. He was at a SciFi/Fantasy conference here this summer and he is <>so<> better looking in person.

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  3. I would love to know why my boyfriend is on your blog all nekkid and whatnot…hmph…oh well. I can share.I am always glad to hear when cancer is foiled. Especially so in this case. Happy New Year 😉xoxoS

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