Got your attention? Here’s another story from my past. Ever heard of the six-lettered C-disease? That which shall not be mentioned? Few people know I had thyroid cancer just over five years ago. To discover this, there was quite a process. Here’s a story from that time… Don’t worry. It’s not depressing.
He smiled, a nice benign smile. And then it happened…
They have these sterile trays that I guess come from the sterile tray factory. They’re sealed shut like a frozen meal that you have to rip open. Inside is all of what a doctor needs to do the biopsy.
So, he rips this tray open and there it was. Laying on top of a pile of gauze is this giant condom. I swear, it was an inch and a half across, and I’m like “WHOA!!! Wait a minute, I didn’t sign on for this!! My thyroid is in my neck buddy!”
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t keep the smirk off my face. Perhaps because of my smirk, perhaps because he didn’t want to offend me, he picked up this condom and turned away from me. Which made the whole thing funnier. He held the thing at about waist level and unrolled it. By God!! It didn’t just look like a condom, it was a condom.
The ever helpful technician rushed over with her tube of gel – KY??? – and squirts it inside the latex. I just watched the whole thing in horror. My gosh! These people were sick! No really, I guess it was me being perverse. As it turned out, the enormous condom was for the ultrasound scanner they were going to use on my neck, and it was to keep everything sterile. Oh! the disappointment!
So then they did the procedure… Did you know that one of the nerves that goes to the ear is in the neck. No, me neither. I do now. OWWW!!! Other than that it’s not so bad. They had to take eight biopsies, from two different locations. And then the doctor, who at this point I’m thinking isn’t quite so hot, tells me the thyroid is very vascular so I could bleed a lot from the biopsy site and get a big bruise. I’m thinking “Oh great. I’m gonna walk around looking like I’ve got a gigantic hicky on my neck. Fabulous. Just fabulous.” Then he says “If you start bleeding, just apply pressure until it stops.”
“What?” I think. “Am I going to be sitting at my desk and start spurting blood? ‘Oh I’m sorry. Did I get blood on your memo?’ ‘I’m terribly sorry. Would you like hemoglobin with that?’ ”
And then he sent me on my way.
It was REALLY bright outside, and I fought the urge to hiss and hide as I groped for my sunglasses. I managed to get to my car without incident, and then, I learned the truth. I saw two marks about an inch apart on my neck.
Oh no!!! That wasn’t a doctor!! It was a giant condom bearing vampire!